Business as usual
Posted at 12:04 PM

-Friday night was probably my worst night in Seoul. It started out quite promising, going to a new club with a water park theme, meeting up with some Japanese students, and catching up on some people I haven't met since I left for Canada.

-The night started out with dinner. I was the only native English speaker, but everyone had enough English to converse with me. It was good times, good food and all, when suddenly my girlfriend brings up something which upsets her. Note, it was her that brought it up. She got all pissy and cold. Great timing there! Not wanting to have a fight, I decided to talk with other people instead. I could be accused of being cold as well, but you don't wanna start arguing infront of people.

-Moved to another bar, the water park themed bar and she's still upset. Why I stuck around? I don't know. I wasn't too impressed with the place simply because I've been there before. It's not a water park, and one does not need a swimsuit, as their flyers and internet campaign might lead one to believe. Anyway... you know when you're with a group of people and there's a couple that you know aren't cool with each other? We've been sending out that vibe all night, and I'm just pissed at her timing. I started talking to this one girl, then BAM, my girlfriend tells me off for talking to other people. Erm... excuse me? Then we started talking/arguing, and people from our table started leaving and horsing around some other place. I don't blame them. I wanted to leave as well. It was embarassing. My problem with this too is that since I'm the foreigner, it is by default that I'm the bad guy in the situation. Korea is extremely xenophobic, and given the choice, a Korean would side with an attractive young woman in a short skirt than with a brown-coloured foreigner that shaves his head. (he must be crazy!) 

-Full blown spaz ensues which later leads to reconciliation. I'm glad it's over. The table is deserted and my buzz is long gone. She then tells me she has to go to the washroom. She leaves and I'm alone trying to drink some joy back in to my life.

-She comes back limping. Her knee is hurt and some guy is helping her and is all apologetic. I couldn't really tell what was happening, but I assumed she slipped. She's all nice to the guy and the stranger even shook my hand as he left. One waitress is telling her to get herself x-rayed and MRI'd. I asked her if she's a doctor, and she tells me that her dad is. I didn't realize medical degress were passed on through parental lineage.

-Then she tells me the whole story. As she was leaving the washroom, people were horsing around and the guy scoops her up fireman style and slips, injuring her knee. Douchebag! She doesn't know who the guy was, but he was a friend of one of the Japanese guys hanging with us.

-Now I'm upset for many reasons: 1. I dont want to blame the victime, but she was all cutesy with her protests when he lifted her, instead of telling the asshat to take his filthy hands off of her. 2. She didn't tell him to fuck off when she got injured. 3. She didn't let me know what happened until the guy left our table. She even let me shake his hand.

-When I found out, I got livid. I saw him leaving the bar and yelled at him! He gave a goofy smile and a friendly wave. The cunt fairy must not know the English equivalent of upset. So I left the table and chased him towards the door, smacked him a couple of times and berated the asshole. The guy tried playing innocent and the girl he was with was saying I'm a rowdy foreigner that wants a fight for no reason. I don't blame her for saying that. My girlfriend didn't really complain and thus there was no crime. I was the rowdy foreigner that the Koreans are always wary about. So I started cursing him out, and the ass hat was still playing innocent and didn't want to fight back. Then in came two bouncers that spoke perfect English and one of them started telling me that the guy was apologetic. I told him not to patronize me and instead of telling me that he's apologetic, and that he should tell the fucknuts why I'm upset. Of course, said fucknuts grew some balls once I'm surrounded by two bouncers and so he started yelling at me telling me he'll kick my ass.

-So I giggled like girl and told him to fuck off. Didn't help the situation.

-After several interventions/translations, the taint rag apologized for his behaviour and left. Soon after, I left as well, bringing with me a wet and injured woman.

-Now what bugged me about that situation is that I had no need, absolutely no need to go mental on the guy. From his point of view, I was cool with things the first time he shook my hand. Me going nuts just reinforces the stereotype that foreigners in club are trouble. Also, my girlfriend did not say a thing for fear of making an awkward situation. Let me say that again, my girlfriend did not say a thing for fear of making an awkward situation. She was totally fine with acting like a delinquent couple, making an asshole boyfriend out of me and emptying our table, but when some random friend of an acquaintance (A STRANGER) grabs her and injures her, then she's worried about her friends' awkwardness? What kind of fucked up shit is that? We were both upset when we went to Japan and some dude grabbed her elbow and tried to pick her up while I fetched her drinks, but this time some fag balls grabs her, injures her, and it's all "kawaii" "sugoi" cutie polite crap?

-I was a douchebag twice that night. I gave them the foreign douchebag on two occasions. And the thing that troubles me is, quietly going home with her, with my ego beat up twice. Am I three times the douchebag?

Roy, good job on the changes.
Posted at 05:05 PM

-My mother passed away almost a month ago.

-I'm not gonna go into much detail but now I'm back in Korea and trying to move on with my life. Work is pretty much the same but now I'm working in a project that involves going to the Philippines and training people in the near future. It's good to be busy for the time being.

-I really don't know where to go from here. I really wish I had a clear cut plan on how to deal with everything. Depression's hit me hard, and a part of me wants to relocate, but really, relocating won't change things. And as for Winnipeg, I really feel alien to the city this time around. Except for a couple of familiar faces, it's just not home anymore.

-I haven't been able to make much art. Not much time nor motivation to make art, which is ironic because I always assumed that loneliness and tragedy are fodder to good art. My small art projects online have all come to a halt.

-I've gained the weight I lost, started my regular work out and drinking routine and even went out swimming over the weekend, but there's just this strange burden I can't escape from.

-It's all just odd.

Activate the reactor
Posted at 03:32 PM

-Can't wait anymore. Off to Canada tomorrow. Ticket price is a bitch!

Like Sharp Teeth
Posted at 03:38 PM

-I remember when I used to blog quite frequently about sex and philandering. Those days I used to go clubbing often and had quite a few women's  numbers on my phone. There was always something new... new scams, new things to do. Money was good and I couldn't spend it fast enough. I first started blogging when I was depressed, then it became a sort of chronicle of dumb thoughts and adventures I'd get into. I really miss those times.

-My mother is in a hospital right now. I guess it's her not reacting well to chemo and radiation therapy and they had to rush her to the emergency room. My sister in Canada is in a panic and put the fear of God into me when she said "She's not gonna make it."

-That was four days ago. My mom, despite still being in the hospital, is much better now. I don't know how long she'll be there, but at least her condition is more stable now. She's still on anti-biotics and still has trouble with her blood. The doctors are observing her carefully, looking for the cause of her sudden drop in health as well as the progress of her cancer.

-She's been getting visits from relatives all over Canada and from the States. I already bought tickets for Canada for August 21st last week, but I guess I could easily change that to something earlier. My dad and my two other sisters know I can't just leave my life here and come to Canada so easily. They're telling me to wait.

-Wait for what? For the 21st? For her to get worse? I don't know. I visited her last February before she started her chemo, knowing that I'll see her while she can still enjoy life, while we can still do things... I guess the trade-off would be not being able to come there when she's in the hospital.

-It sucks. It really really sucks. It sucks not being able to come home often, but I really can't come home everytime something happens. Realistically I can only come home a few times due to finances. But what kind of mathematical formula do you calculate that with? How do you gauge tragedies?! Scenario A: "Oh she's in a hospital but she's still gonna make it"... so I stay? Scenario B: "Oh she's only got a few weeks to live, so you'd better spend money on that ticket!"... so I go? Either way, I feel like the ungrateful son. What if I went there, stayed there for three weeks or so, then something happens again the minute I come back here and start working again?  And the worst, THE WORST, thought that's running through my head is "What if August 21st is already too late?"

-Another thing that's bugging me is that with all the relatives coming to visit her, it sorta turned into a red-carpet event of who cares about my mom. "Stepping out of the black limo is her brother from Hawaii!" I don't want to question some of these people's intentions, but where were they exactly when my mom was still at home undergoing treatment? Where were they when word first got out that my mom was ill? And why are  some of them "asking for me" as if to imply I'm an unfeeling prick for not being there right now. A lot of these people are close to her by default. They LIVE in Winnipeg! I don't. It takes more than money to come home. I have to rearrange my life here in order to go on trips. I have to make sure I still have a job to come home to. It's a 12 hour flight, not a thirty minute drive! In times of crisis, do people generally feel better by thinking of those who are are absent?

-Maybe I'm just feeling guilty not being there. Guilty for trying to be rational in an irrational crisis. Guilty for waiting. And again, waiting for what? Am I a morbid fuck?!

-I said to my father that if he tells me to come home. I will come home. Everyone knows this now. My girlfriend, my co-workers, everyone. My father tells me to come home, I will come home. I leave it up to him. But really, what if he's shielding me from a lot of these things? Telling me that she's improved despite her getting worse... telling me not to be too alarmed by my sister.

-I remember having two very sick periods in my life. One was when I was six years old. I almost died from complications from German measles and my asthma. Then when I was fourteen I injured my back for some unknown reason. I couldn't walk for a month. My parents were there and my mom especially indulged my weak periods. And I'm here feeling like an ungrateful bastard waiting. Everyone tells me to pray, and I do... but is praying and waiting just as good as being there? Can mothers really sense a children's love despite their absense?

-The whole situation just sucks. I'm rambling. It really really sucks!

-Today is my birthday as well.